When is it time?

I got this terrible feeling over breakfast this morning, looking out at the grass; when is it time? When will I know when it is time to go?

The awful truth is that I had a momentary lapse, a temporary let-up in my constant watch on the mind and emotions; chronic pain beats down the door, and forces thoughts that would normally remain in darkness:

When will life be no fun anymore? When is the future no longer bright? What will I do when there is no one left to talk to?

I am tired. But I know thinking on laying down is a "slippery slope" which I can neither afford nor desire to explore. I am fortunate to have the support of a wonderful doctor, who I think I owe much to, including at least the last five years of productive life. However, we both agree that perhaps just enjoying life, in as good a quality as we can get for me without the productivity part, may be the best that we can hope for.

These are the things that we never tell our children about, nor do we let our children take part in the decision making process. Getting old is something that is not honored, or even acknowledged, and we tend to cover up the trappings of aging in our society. No one teaches our young about buying medications, and when to ask for generic meds, or a higher strength medication and use a pill cutter to halve the dosage to save money; no one discusses the use of diapers when incontinence becomes an issue; our children never learn about paralysis and what is does to the body, and why grandparents might not want to go to the movie, or out to dinner.

No one takes the time to talk to the children about the side effects of prescription drugs, and why we would want to put up with all the discomfort, and sometimes the dangers, of those side effects.

So when is it time to talk to them? It will be too late when we are too tired, and when we pass away.

Its too bad that they won't be interested until it happens to them. I hope the words of the Crow are still around for them to hear when they feel the frost settle on their hearts, and in their bones.

MMG