What I Have Learned (So Far)

I have finally begun to sleep again, after a period of not sleeping due to reasons beyond my control, and the rest feels pretty good. Now that I can rest, I am able to wake, make a cup of tea, and reflect on what I have learned in my somewhat long life so far.

The most important thing I have learned is to do what you love, or what you feel in your heart is the right thing for you to be doing at that time. To do work you hate, even if it is for a premium in pay, will only take the life away from you and leave nothing for you at the end of the day, or the week, or year. Working at something you enjoy is a joy, and the days pass lightly, even fly, the evenings all for you to use as you will. If your work is something you truly love, you will find the days light as a feather, and time passing without notice. Before long, you will be recognized in your field and teaching others. This is an enviable life to live.

I have learned not to be afraid to leave a work situation that I found untenable. You will find another, and if the one you are in is making your life unhappy, then it would be better to spend your time searching for a new situation than forcing yourself to bare another day in hell. The money will come form somewhere, or maybe you should change your lifestyle so that you can live within the new bounds for a while. In the worst of situations, however, I have walked away from a job that was causing me physical problems (headaches, stomach aches), and stepped into another position two weeks later.

I am still learning to accommodate my physical disabilities to my job. There are few things I cannot do; at one time I would have said there is nothing that I cannot do, but I have learned that I do have physical limits. However, with the help of a few tools and appliances, I can pretty much do anything that my peers can do. Add to that the willingness of the students to help, and I am able to perform in the classroom at the same level as anyone.

I am also learning to accommodate my physical disabilities at home. This is considerably more difficult of a task, as there is no one to assist me at times, and when there is someone, I want to do things myself so as to show my continued independence. I have to learn to navigate the kitchen, cook outside, cook for more than one, etc.

I am learning to build model airplanes again, a return to a favorite past time of youth. I built and flew airplanes when I was in my teen, back when we had gas motors and control lines. Now the motors are electric (and much quieter), and the radio control equipment is very affordable. The planes are hard for me to fly, as I have a depth perception problem and cannot tell if the planes are about to hit something, usually a pole. So I build them, and fly when conditions are perfect, which is not often.

I am learning to live with another person. I have always had a dual problem; I cannot live alone, yet I am very picky about some (but by no means all!) things in my living space. I know that makes me difficult to live with, maybe even impossible to live with. But finally, after many years and several tries, I am learning to be patient, and to not be so tight with my living space, and to share.

And I am learning that people are not trying to hurt me. I have had the overwhelming felling since the February fire that everyone I meet is trying to hurt me. I worked with a tightly knit crew of 100 men, well trained and integrated. We all knew each other, we worked together and played together. Then when the fire broke out, they had to isolate the compartment - and me - in order to secure the fire and prevent its spread. In effect, I was being expended. I have carried that abuse of trust for the last 25 years, and I can say I am just now getting over the feeling of abandonment.

I don't think I will ever trust again to the extent I did before. I have not learned that yet. Perhaps I will before my black feathers all turn grey.